Saturday 13 August 2011

Done Differently

Question 19: "If you were prime minister, what would you do differently?"

All sorts of things.  I can never remember all of my planned policies at any one time, but here's a cross-section of The Colclough's Manifesto, in no particular order: if I become Prime Minister, then...
  • I will implement a massive state subsidy on Lego.
  • Green beans will be outlawed because they're horrible.
  • It will be legal to do 80mph in the second lane on the motorway, 90mph in the third, etc.  If you're going to build 'fast lanes', then they should be fast.
  • All children and pets will have the right to a sensible name.
  • Children under the age of 15 will be banned from using games consoles - cereal packets and sellotape are a much better way to spend your formative years.  That's how I did mine, and it was good.
  • Inheritance tax will be abolished, because the government have no moral right to profit from the death of their citizens or to exacerbate the grief of the bereaved by turning up and demanding money.
  • The national energy crisis will be resolved by fitting devices to the Palace of Westminster to capture all the hot air made by the politicians, and use it to drive a colossal power station.
  • To reduce red tape and bureaucracy, MPs and civil servants will lose pay every time they create paperwork.
  • The internet will be reformed so that idiots are unable to use it.  Nobody will be allowed to connect until they've passed tests in basic spelling, grammar and numeracy.  Also, Facebook and all other variants on the theme will be outlawed because they rot the brain.
  • The death penalty will be reintroduced for murderers, rapists, the criminally insane etc - much cheaper and more efficient than prison sentences, and prevents re-offending.  I would also have snipers in the big cities right now, shooting the odd looter.  That'd make the crowds think twice about what they're doing, I think.
  • The BBC will have to produce a full run of Doctor Who every year (i.e. 13 episodes broadcast on 13 consecutive Saturdays in spring/summer - no more of these delays, hiatuses or split series).  If necessary, EastEnders will be killed off in order to free up resources for DW.
  • Simon Cowell will be declared an enemy of the state, because of his heinous crimes against music.
  • The tax system will be restructured so that cool people pay less tax than uncool ones.  Basically, I'd implement a tax on stupidity.
  • Shops would be forbidden to put up any decorations, have mince pies on the shelves, or do anything else related to Christmas before the first of December.  Well, apart from selling Advent calendars, because they'd be a bit pointless if you didn't get them by the end of November.
Of course, like most manifestos, it's subject to revision.  But that's what it looks like for now.

  • Twenty Questions status: 13 down, 7 to go
  • Days until Root Hill: 7
  • Latest book read: still Dianetics
  • Latest film/TV watched: Monsters vs Aliens
  • Latest music listened to: Requiem by Karl Jenkins
  • Latest edible item eaten: Haribo
  • Predominant colour of clothes: Grey
  • Programs and web pages currently running: Windows Explorer, Windows Task Manager, Windows Media Player, Microsoft Office Word 2007, Incredimail, JPEGCrops, Sony Vegas, Firefox (tabs: Blogspot Dashboard; Blogspot Create Post)
  • Webcomics posted today: Cylinder and Miserable #1335

- The Colclough


  1. I may have to reread this when I'm less tired and post a more interesting comment.... why am I commenting at gone 2am?? Oh wait, I wasn't tired when I first got back from London..... aaaaanyway... I think you should just abolish Eastenders completely. Regardless of whether DW needs the resources. And Torchwood should become Welsh again!

  2. Can I suggest that Japanese Godzilla Films be shown on British Television more often and at times when people are not asleep and less showings of the (RUBBISH) American Godzilla (except for the Legendary Pictures one because that is shaping up to be really Good).

  3. look what happens if i combine your two comments: EastEnders gets scrapped, and replaced by weekly screenings of Japanese Godzilla movies on BBC1! i like that plan.